But I always help out extra at work/home! Why don’t I get as much from from others as I give to them?!” Perhaps on this occasion the answer lies not on the outside, but within. At first glance, I know some you might already be feeling irritated by this suggestion. You’re thinking: Surely if people would just do what I wanted/expected, I would feel more satisfied and loved. I would argue that you might still be sitting there, arms crossed, feeling disappointed, even if that were the case. The simple, yet hard to accept, thing is that much of the love we often seek from others is also accessible inside of us, and basing our satisfaction on the action (or inaction) of others is a recipe to be perpetually disappointed. At this point you might be rolling your eyes thinking this sounds too crunchy for your tastes. But I assure you, there is truth in them there hills. It might not always be an easy task, and I still believe the love you have toward yourself can make up a large portion of the love you experience in the world.
I am not suggesting that we don’t need others. There is a LOT of research and science to back up the fact that we need the support of others. We are animals, after all, and we are built for community, story, and interaction. Nor am I proposing existing in a boundary-less world where you are accepting of bad behavior from others. What I AM proposing is investing just a little bit of time in yourself. Get to know *you*. What do you like? What brings you joy? What helps you feel loved, seen, and appreciated? How do you communicate that information to those around you to ensure a healthy give and take in life’s relationships? By answering some of these questions, you can curate a list of Self-Love activities that let you love yourself and feel more satisfied with the world around.
Sadly there is no magic bullet on the path to self-love. What fills someone else’s emotional bank may have zero value to you, and what feels like a boundary transgression to one is no problem for another. Invite a pause, get curious, and have the willingness to learn and be honest with yourself. If you do, the changes that stir within (and without) can be profound. Warning, you may get a little uncomfortable and grow. Actually, you should get uncomfortable to grow. Ugh, I know.
We can start building a foundation for self-love by taking a bit of an inventory of your emotional, physical, and intellectual health. Thankfully, we don’t need a spreadsheet for this inventory (unless that’s your jam, then by all means, make a dang spreadsheet!), but starting with a few simple lists is a great start. Who doesn’t love a good list? They makes things tangible, clear, and I can see what areas are thriving and what areas could use a little more juice.
Emotional Health -How Do I Support My Inner Self To Weather Life’s Challenges?
Mental Health- Do I have safe people around me that are invested in my mental health? Do I have a therapist or person who is trained to listen and offer support? Yes, friends and family are a wonderful resource, and, they are not a therapist. Whether a therapist, clergy person, or spiritual guide, it’s valuable to have a person that is able to listen deeply and offer objective support though a professional lens. I personally have utilized mental health therapy for years and I look forward to my sessions with my therapist. She offers me suggestions and insights that I could not get to on my own.
Self-Talk- What do I say to myself when I look in the mirror? When I bungle something at work do I lean in and offer myself gentleness? Or am I critical? How we talk to ourselves is key. It may sound hokey, but I spend time telling myself I love myself daily. I tell myself I am allowed to rest. For years this inner voice was more critical and judgmental . When I was sick or tired, I would say, “Don’t be weak, work harder!” Now, when I’m sick, I say, “I’m unwell. I need rest. I deserve rest and wellness.” And then I ask for support at work and at home.
Happy Places- My happy place is the bath or looking at trees. Your happy place might be in simple activities that bring you joy or it may be a location you can visit. I have more glamorous places, too, like some mountain lakes with remote paddle board access, but that’s not really accessible on a Tuesday at 3PM. So I spend time thinking about what helps me feel calm and centered—I made a list. For me the things were: Fresh air, water (a bath or being near a body of water), cooking for myself, and making art. These are my happy places. They are moments I can buy myself some peace and calm and check in with myself on a deeper level.
Physical Health-How Does My Body Feel?
We Are What We Eat. Seriously! Am I oatmilk lattes, salad, and salmon? Or am I Cheetos and ice cream? I will say, in my personal opinion, healthy eating isn’t excessively restrictive, is balanced, and allows for whatever you consider to be a treat. I thoroughly enjoy me some ice cream! Day to day, though, I make sure to add fresh produce (sometimes a bagged salad, sometimes a deli salad, or a homemade saute). Our food becomes the energy we use to learn, play, and work. We require clean burning fuel if we want our engines to run efficiently. This also means eating enough. For some, this may mean adding more calories. I, like many Americans, have felt pressured about weight and under ate calories. This led to burnout and had a negative effect on my metabolism. Loving myself means prioritizing my food for the week. Because I’m a mama and a boss, I do a mix of purchased easy veggie things and cooked/prepared food at home. I appreciate the convenience of packets of oatmeal and granola bars. While those may not the best for every meal, I make sure to fit in some greens and fruit and eggs or fish to balance what’s doable with my schedule.
How’s Your Sleep Hygiene? One of my big self-care tools is sleep. Prioritizing getting to bed one hour earlier, and making sure to be off a screen for 30 to 60 minutes before bed can make a world of difference. Lack of sleep catches up with us quickly. Our hormones are affected, digestion is affected, and brain function is decreased. All of which can turn me into a Grumptoad for sure. And when I’m tired and grumpy, I struggle to be kind with myself.
Go Outside. Science is now loaded with facts about what fresh air and being immersed in nature can do for our overall health. We are animals. We like our indoors, it is warm and safe inside. And we are connected to nature, we are nature. Pausing to connect with the sky, plants, fresh air lifts our moods and fills our cups.
Dance Like Nobody Is Watching…or walk… hula hoop…or whatever. Just move your body! This one is non-negotiable. We are bodies that are meant for motion. I like a mix of cardio, yoga, walking, weights, and compound movement. The awesome thing is movement can look all kinds of ways. Healthy movement supports immune function and helps with endorphin production, which helps us feel good. Whether you’re someone who needs assistance with motion from a PT or an aid, or are a world-class rock climber, moving your body is an important essential.
Healthy Growth-How Am I Challenging Myself?
Learn Something New, Even If It’s Hard. Our brain does keep growing, if we develop it. Otherwise, like an unused muscle, there is atrophy. When we learn something new we sharpen pathways in our brain and build flexibility in problem solving. This not only supports us in professional settings but can help in interpersonal relationships. For example: in my job I has a nasty pattern of reacting and fixing too quickly the needs from other staff members. And this can cause me to not be as effective in other areas, drop some balls, and feel stressed more often. So, I took it upon myself to learn about Attachment Systems and do some deep diving into why feel a need to react so quickly. And at work, I was lovingly called out and I shared my struggle. Now, when I don’t know how to react or if I should, I talk to my team and I continue to study some material on mindfulness and reactivity as to show up more slowly and intentional. I certainly still have a long way to go.
Talk Yourself Up! You don’t have to brag, aaaand, I bet you are the best at something. Claim it! Positive self talk is not just useful in our heads. Do it out loud. We look down on bragging, and, I agree, that’s not super attractive in a group conversation, but there is a difference between positive self-talk and bragging. I personally love to invite my circle of friends or colleagues to check in about their goals and ask how they’re going. And when growth is occurring and I see them succeeding at something they’re working on, I can talk them up: “Look at you being Awesome! Remember when you couldn’t ask for help? Now look at you, delegating like a champ!” And this gives them an opportunity to celebrate where they have come and open up about what they have accomplished and feel good about. And I can use the time to share what I feel good about, too. It ends up being a beautiful use of 5 minutes and everyone walks away smiling.
Get Honest About One Habit That’s No longer Serving You and Nix It. If you really get honest with yourself, what do you wish you would do less of or more of? For me, getting to bed too late or not taking breaks during my day are two habits that pop up. I’ll notice that I’m on a screen close to bedtime and instead of putting it down, I scroll for 30 more minutes. Then I’m a bit more restless as I lay in bed, later than planned, and wishing I would have not done that. A trick that has helped me is setting a “bed time” mode on my phone at 9:30 PM. It pops up and reminds me to log off and get into my body. Do I always abide? Nope! But it has certainly made a big difference. I can also now talk to my team or loved ones when working on something and say, “Hey after we have this meeting, I’m going to take a quick walk and get coffee.” or “If you walk back here to my office again and I’m not eating, please call me out if you think of it. “ Again, it’s a work in progress. I am noticing that I am carving out more time to pause between tasks and check in with how i’m actually doing. Which in turn makes me show up way more effectively and present.
So how exactly can we use an inventory like this as a way to improve our love toward ourself and our overall satisfaction in life? I’m going to say a hard thing to hear—we are the first people responsible for our satisfaction and happiness. This doesn’t mean we don’t need others for love, learning, support, and growth. What it does mean, is that relying on outside circumstances as the first place to find fulfillment is almost a certain recipe for resentment and dissatisfaction. Taking a look at the areas of our lives that we may not be focusing on can shift the focus from out outwardly-based happiness model, to an inwardly-based one. This can help us show up to life and all our relationships with less expectation and more grace toward others.
So please, you owe it to yourself to pause and love yourself. You are worthy and deserve a break. You are worthy of support, help, development, and challenge. May you find the help you need and may this offer you some inspiration.
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